I am so excited. I had to write twice. I look forward to this special week. We celebrated Palm Sunday today. Yesterday to be exact. This week I will meditate on Jesus' death and resurrection. This week is the countdown to Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. I want to have undivided devotion to the Lord. I want to study Him. Seek Him out. I want to GAZE on His beauty. Beautiful King. This is better than Christmas. I want to find you this week and every day, week, minute, second of my life. How I love you Lord. How I love you JESUS!! You are my greatest treasure.
Happy Valentines Day!
It's 3pm on Feburary 14th and I am having a great Valentines Day. I watched part of a movie with Cameron Diaz called " In her shoes". It was surprisingly beautiful. Then after that the "Wedding Singer" came on. That was pure delight. It's on of my favorite movies with the best ending. " I'll even let you hold the remote control". Love that song. It was a gift to see that movie today. Speaks to me of true love, pure, simple, steadfast, childlike. I believe I will have that type of love one day.
In the movie Julie is engaged to another guy who doesn't really care for her. He chose to marry her, but he's not after her heart. He doesn't enjoy her, respect her or know her. Reminds me of the realtionship I just came out of. I thought I had found one who would protect and care for me. Instead he mislead and hurt me. I am grateful it is over. He was supposed to be here now. He told me He'd spend Valentines day with me. We had plans. I was imagining dinner, dancing, a week of fun. It doesn't look like I expected it to. But its better. It's better because I have the truth. It was the worst being in a realtionship that wasn't right. It's awful to be in something and think " this is it?" , " this is what I've been waiting and praying ten years for?". It's better to have nothing than to have something that's awful.
Truth is I don't have nothing. I have a whole lot of somethings. I have a family, a wonderful mom, a caring dad, brother, sisters. I have amazing friends who have encouraged me every step of the way. They've fought for me, prayed for me, stood by me. I am so grateful for this support system. I enjoy being home with my family. There's grace for it. It's pleasant, people are getting along. I don't want to run back to Georgia. I want to be here.
I want to be home. For a long while. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be and this is where I want to be. Christina Marie Martin. More than a movement. More than a Nazarite. More than a voice for the Black community, an abolitionist, a intercessor. I'm me. Whatever that looks like. I deserve to be loved for me.
Gone is the constant nagging feeling that this isn't the way it's supposed to be. Gone is the fear that I've made a mistake. Gone is the constant questions and asking others if they experience what I do. Gone is the anxiety, the stressful prayers and the worry. It's gone, because he's gone and I am GLAD for it. Better for it. God told me better and I will have it. There was a part in the first movie where the girl was found talking to another guy and she wouldn't open her heart to her fiance. That hurt the guy and he went to her, asking her to open up. He went low, and went to her. I was always going to Frank. If we fought, I'd apologize, I'd cry, I'd make it right. I couldn't make it right because He wasn't the right one. It was ALL wrong from the start but I couldn't see it.
I bought myself a Valentines day gift with my tax money. A Canon Rebel T2i DSLR camera. It's gorgeous and I love it. I like pictures. Always have. Frank noticed it and he said maybe when we got married, he'd get me a nice camera. Oh, the dreams we had. I still believe in my dreams. That's why I bought myself exactly what I wanted, a 700 $ camera. It felt great. What will feel even better is holding it in my and shooting away. Capturing moments. My neice Zoey's arrival to this earth. Bless her little heart. Middletown in the winter when all is quiet and still. The old buildings, the churches and their steeples. The little restaurants and deli's. My family. My friends. The things I love. I want to explore, dream, discover and through the eyes of a lense.
This is a good Valentines Day. One I will remember with peace. This is Frank's last unfulfilled promise. After today, I go forward. I got through this day. It's not over but I got through it. I'm stronger for it. I'm thankful. Thank you Lord.
Billy texted me wondering when I was getting back. I have no answers for him. In my heart I'd like to serve Pastor Paul. I've been away for a long time but he's been a faithful dad to me. Even when I was thinking of getting married I was imagining it would be Billy and Lou,a Nazarite wedding. Yet in my heart something didn't fit. I wanted the world to see. Lou Engle at my wedding along with many leaders. I wanted to look like I made it. Yet deep in my heart I thought, " Who really knows me?". "Who really loves me?". Does Billy and Lou love me? Yes, they do. But its different. Billy loves me but doesn't truly understand me. Lou adores me but theres's been so many ups and downs. I've never felt like I could truly be myself with them. I went to Pastor Pauls last night and we cooked baked ziti. He's teaching me how to cook. It was wonderful. He walked me to my car after because I parked at the bottom of the hill. He walked me with his flashlight and pointed me in the direction to get home. I am home. Truly home is where God's heart is so wherever I am, there He is and I am at home.
It won't always be like this. Mom home with this darling apartment. Aunts surrounding me with love. Things change and people change. They get older. It won't always be like this. This is a moment. There is nothing in ministry I want to do. I just want to be..be me. Take pictures, write a book, enjoy my cousins and eat cupcakes. I found a darling cupcake store on Main street. It's wonderful.
When I marry I want it to be for love. Not for ministry. Not for the black community. Not for IHOP or the prayer movement. For love. Not because I need someone to take care of me. Not because of security or someone to support my missions. Not to push someone into their destiny. Not because of destiny at all. I want to LOVE someone. Whatever that looks like.
I've never been in love before. I told Frank I was and I lied to myself. It was too fast. Words spoken quickly that had no depth, when the storms came and even the light winds, they uprooted. I thought I should be in love so I repeated it when he said it. It wasn't love. It was exhausation. Ha. Anything looks good when your wiped out and can't go on. I just needed a hug, a nap and a home cooked meal.
Could I have avoided it, if I came home sooner? Probably. But there were so many lies, so much pressure. I want to be cared for because of who I am, not what I can do or provide. I am an intercessor, but I am first a daughter of God and I am loved.
If I'm never more than that, than I'm okay. God is my heart, I minister unto him. My family, even they are my ministry. I need nothing more.
I am happy to be home. I am happy to be alive. It's a vapor. Things, people will come and go. Frank, God bless his soul will be with me in heaven. By then it won't matter. Even now it doesn't. I release him and let him go. The life is but a moment. All that matters is me and Papa. I want to know you God. That's all that counts. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for picking me up out of the ashes. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for standing with me.
Now, unto playing with my camera! Happy Valentines day world!
" Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends".
Remember this day. Today I say yes to him again. Today I set my heart and fix my gaze. I will have no lesser lovers. Today I return. I return to the place of first love with my husband. Here I am Lord. Have my heart.
I am on a 3 month facebook fast to prepare for a promise to be fufilled. On Monday I will began a 40 day fast to cry out for Mercy in our city. A Joel 2 fast to rend my heart and not my garments.
Lord, you are worth it all. Every beat, every inclination of my heart. I am sustained by you alone. I trust you in this season. It'd be foolish to think I won't have fears, won't wrestle doubts, won't desire to strive. But through it all I pray you would give me the grace to choose you. There are so many choices in live. This life is but a vapor. It's a passing moment and I am a pilgrim and stranger in this earth. In the blink of an eye I will be out of this earthly frame and into everlasting bliss with you. I want to make this moment count. I want to give you all I have now, in this age. In this age of choices, in this age of voulantary love I want to say yes to you again. It's a small choice, its a huge choice, its a choice I make with my heart. I want you. I want to know and love my God.
The first commandment is this. I should love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Lord, I want to love you rightly. Take my failures, take my flaws, my regrets, dissapointments and pain. Take it all Lord. I offer it to you. I want a heart that is fully given to the one I love.
Remember this time Lord. When the earth passes away, when it all burns, crumbles and fades..remember this time. Remember me Father. Remember my devotion, remember my small attempts at loving you. Remember me Lord.
I love you Father. I love you Jesus. I love you Spirit.
You are my blessed HOPE. I set my heart on you.
Amen, love Chrissy
Sometimes I say the most foolish things. I open my mouth, insert my foot and its a downward spiral from there. I wish I didn't say the things I think. I don't always. Yet sometimes i feel anger, jealousy, pain exploding on the inside of me and I feel I have to release it. The thing is it never comes out like i expect it to. I say things in passive undertones and hidden behind seemingly acceptable statements. I fear it would be too evil to come out and say what I feel. So I disguise it, barely, by beating around the bush or saying what things that I think other's won't detect. I use words to hurt people and to manipulate them. Not all the time, not even often. But once is enough. I don't want to say words that hurt. I want to speak life and not death. I want to be a wise women with the law of kindness on my tongue. I want to speak not out of my pain, but out of faith. Even when I'm hurting I don't want to use words to retaliate, fight, inflict emotional pain on those I care for. Help me Lord. Help me give my pain, my frustration and hurt to you. You alone can heal. Hurting people hurt people and I want none of that. I was to speak life and I want to love others as you have loved me. God, can you turn it all around for good. God, can you take my mess and my mistakes and make something beautiful out of it. Even today Lord I pray. Where I have erred, where I have spoken to quickly, where harsh words have come forth from the overflow of my heart. Lord in all those places would you come heal. Would you come heal my heart. I don't want to be angry at people. I don't want to demand things from others. I don't want to control by my anger of my expectations. I want to love freely and give freely without expecting anything in return. Even though I have not been loved well by many a man does not mean I have to love others poorly in return. I can choose to rise above. I can choose to love with a Godly supernatural love. I have been hurt. I have been hurt by men. I have been rejected, cast aside, overlooked, belittled, mocked..the list goes on and on. Since childhood I have not been "seen" by men and they have treated me like i was less than the beautiful daughter of God I am. I am not always connected with the pain of the past. Sometimes it just lies there, under the surface, waiting to be released at the slightest push of a button. My button gets pushed , I get tapped and bam..there it is..the floodgates are open. I feel things. I feel things strongly. Whether its your heart, whether its my pain, I feel. Someone said something to me yesterday and It seemed that every fiber in my being felt it. All of a sudden, seemingly out of hiding, I was wrestling with fear, torment, confusion, sorrow. A rush of all too familiar emotions came surging out of my heart, mind and soul to pervade my being. I fell to the mercy of these emotions and gave into their beckoning. They wanted me to respond and I did. In anger I struck back, not at the emotions but at the man who spoke the words that incited the turmoil. I regret that. I regret all of it. I regret leaving such a holy night and acting in such a common way. Lord, I lift my regrets to you. I lift my pain to you. Have your way Lord I pray. You will make all things beautiful in your time. I trust you Father.
"O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted,
Behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
And your foundations I will lay in sapphires.
"Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies,
And your gates of crystal,
And your entire wall of precious stones.
"All your sons will be taught of the LORD;
And the well-being of your sons will be great.
"In righteousness you will be established;
You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear;
And from terror, for it will not come near you.
"If anyone fiercely assails you it will not be from Me.
Whoever assails you will fall because of you.
"Behold, I Myself have created the smith who blows the fire of coals
And brings out a weapon for its work;
And I have created the destroyer to ruin.
"No weapon that is formed against you will prosper;
And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
And their vindication is from Me," declares the LORD. ( IS 54:11-20)
God will vindicate me. God will bring justice to my heart. In every area where I have been afflicted he will bring peace. In every area where I have been defrauded and mistreated he will bring mercy. He will fight and he will win on my behalf. I need not fear.
I will see all of the goodness he has stored up for me. I will taste and I will see that He is good. I will not be put to shame.
I want to dream again. The impossible dreams that I dare not to dream. I want to hope again. Impossible hopes that I fear to consider. I want to be alive in my heart. I want to believe that all things are possible. I want to pray ridiculous prayers. Prayers that could only be answered by you and through you. Prayers that I could never get answers to by my own works or striving. I want to believe for more than I can see, touch, feel, know. I want to believe for the best. And to believe that I don't have to chase after the best. To believe the best can come and will come to me as a gift from You. You will give me the best. You always give the best and I want to trust that. You are a rewarder of those who diligently seek you. I want to believe you knows what best for me and you desire to give it to me. That truly, you are working all things together for the good of those that love you. I love you. You love me. And ALL things are working together for my good. Today didn't go as I wished it would of. I allowed fear, anger and doubt to affect my interactions with people and to steal my joy. I rejected out of feeling rejected. I ran out of anxiety and unbelief. But that is today. Tommorow will be better. Tommorow can be better. It can be a wonderful day full of your mercy and grace. God has a great plan for me. I can't miss it or mess it up. Oh, how comforting that is. I can not miss my divine moment. God has divine moments set up for me and I will run into them, crash into them, they will overtake me. I can not escape the goodness of God. I cant hide from the reality of his love and the blessings he wants to pour upon me. I am at the mercy of a merciful, loving, generous God. God, you are generous. No good thing do you withold from those who walk uprightly. You are generous. You don't just give a bit. You give more than enough. I want to believe in your generousity. You will not reject forever.(ps 77:7) You will give in abundance.
It's the night before Christmas and I'm sitting with my friends watching "It's a Wonderful Life". I had dinner with the Humphrey family earlier this night. It was nice. We had ham, cookies, salad, cake..so much food. I love this movie. Mary is such a faithful wife. She believes in George even when no one else seems too. She loves him her whole life and she stands by him through it all, the depression, living in a broken down house, encouraging him when he feels like he's failing. I want to be like that. I want to encourage my husband. I want to be his biggest supporter. I want him to know that I am for him and I believe in him. I am excited about 2010 and what it holds for me. I feel it will be a year for me to go into deeper preperation for marriage and family. I'm unsure of what America will be like a year from now. The Senate voted tonight to pass the health care bill, tax payer funded abortions and all. Oh Lord, have mercy on our nation. I shudder to think of the judgement that is awaiting our nation. We are heading down a dark rocky road and we are blind to it. What will it take to open our eyes? I can only pray it is less than more. There are so many things on my heart..things I don't have answers to. I care too much about what others think of me. I look to others to tell me who I am and its wrong for me to do that. Only God truly see's me as I am. I have been given great friends who understand me in part, but only God knows me in full. Fully know, understand and adored. Thank U Lord. I have questions on my heart. The same questions I've had for years, but few answers. I will pray and not lose heart. This will be a year far different from the last.
I was online reading through the saved drafts on my email account and came upon this. I wrote it 3 years ago when I was living in D.C and a part of the Justice House of Prayer there. Oh God, I pray you would awaken my heart again. Restore to me the love I had for your people. Revive my heart oh Lord.
Lou always quotes to us a famous saying about the Royal Air Force. Never has so much been owed to so many by so few. I feel I owe my generation more than I comprehend. I look at America, the nation that I love and I feel overwhelmed by its needs. God ultimatley is the only one that can meet those needs, even understand them at all. Yet I feel a personal obligation to fight for the nation I was born into, purposed by God to live in. I dont even know where to begin. Black people and marriage. Over the past few weeks I have read quite a few times that black women more than any other race are not getting married. Why? Because a large percentage of African American men are either in jail or impoverished. I was reading a Washington Post article tonight that mentioned another article written by a black woman and titled " Marriage is for white people". A vast amount of middle aged black women feel they have no hope for marriage, my family included. I look at my neices and my aunts and I know at least in the natural it would be difficult for them to get married, and oddly it is not even expected. I just expect that my white cousins will eventually marry and have children but Its not expected for my black ones. Marriage is a holy instution that God loves, that God has ordained. There is a purpose in it, its to reveal the love of Christ from husband to wife. And it is under attack by the enemy. But there is hope. Through it all I can not believe the report of the enemy. Hope is not lost. Black pastors like Harry Jackson are rising up with voices for justice and family, Will Ford and other men are tackling the issues like abortion and homosexuality that have been pushed under the rug for years. And God still is in control, he has a plan for the african american community, even if they are not aware of it. And where do I fit into all of this? If I can just stay the course I want to see the black church transformed. I want to see us go back to our roots, back to prayer and fasting. Back to the very things that sustained us, empowered us, liberated us, the very God of our ancestors who delievered them from slavery and oppression. I want to see black men and women walking in the potential they have and fufilling their destinys. To see them powerful, confidenant, humble, and using their gifts to glorify God, not fill their pockets full of temporary treasures. I want to see cultural christianity removed and I want people to actually love God and pursue holiness out of a hunger for him, not a religious obligation. And I want to see Fathers. Oh, how I long to see Fathers arise in the black communties. God, give us fathers, give us fathers I pray. I want to let the black community at large in this nation know that hope is not lost. And in order to do that I must believe it myself, believe it and walk in faith, knowing change will come. I want to be an agent of change. God, I want to consul couples and I want to see marriages restored. More and more it is burning on my heart. I dont know how it would come to pass but I trust you Lord. God I have loved the idea of love and marriage from as far back as I remember. And now I see the very instution being attacked, being broken and destroyed. And I will fight to save it. I will fight to see marriage between a man and a women be all that you designed and desire it to be. God I will fight to see black familes, father, mother and many children living together and serving you and their communitys with love and devotion. I want to see black men with character, integrity, faithfulness, discipline. I want to see black women walking in humility, grace, dignity, gentle strength. And not only a small percentage who were privilleged enough to go to the right schools or come from the right families. But everyone from the poor on the street to the ivy league students. God I want to see the poor restored, with more than just a meal for a night and a warm bed once a week. I want to see their lives transformed, I want to see them off the street and delievered and back into society. What would that look like? Healing, consul, the practicals of food and clothing and shelter, love, accountabilty. Perhaps in a community home enviorment with bible based teaching and a high level of care for the ones enrolled. And marriage classes for the poor and the rich. And above all houses of prayer. The answer lies in the contending houses of prayers, all must be built upon that. Houses of prayer that will tackle justice, govt, poor, youth. HOP that will pray and will have works that go along with their faith. There is so much work to be done, so many problems and at times it seems a overwhelming task. But I serve a big God, bigger than divorce, jail, poverty. Bigger than it all. God, I want to see national change. I want to be a revoultionary. More than just write a good book or preach a good sermon. I want to see lasting social change in black churches, families, politics, communities. I want to see an entire people group turned back to you. If It can work in the negative sense, why not the positive. If statistics around the nation can say black marry the less and so on then why cant they say one day blacks are most likely to get married and stay married. I want to reverse the negative decrees. To get there will take more than wishful thinking though. It will take death to myself. It will take purity, holiness, consecration. Everyday I must live my life as if by my victories I am gaining victory for the whole african american population. Help me Jesus. I know I am not alone in my desire to see social change. Help me to meet the right people and to find support and like minded individuals. God wherever my husband is I pray you would be burning these things into his heart, even more than my own. God I count it an honor that one day I will support and love a black man and raise black children. I pray I would never lose sight of that goal, of any of these goals. I feel like Nehemiah, and just in the smallest sense. I see the destruction of my people, I see our broken walls and I feel I must do something to rebuild them. God, give me the passion, give me drive, give me wisdom to know that it will always be you and never me. Give me perserverance and dedication and faith. I need faith and love more than anything else. Train my hands for battle and my fingers for war, teach me to bend a bow of bronze and beat back my enemies until they are destroyed. Father it is no longer about me. I can not afford for it to be about my desires, my wants, my needs. It must be about them. It must be about the little boys without fathers and the middle aged women without husbands. It must be about the young kids who cant read and the talented singers who are pressured to sell their soul for a rap record. It must be about these ones who were called to be kings and queens and are reduced to a spirtiual slavery far worse than the white plantation owners ever could of invented. IS 61 is my life goal. To give beauty for ashes, to rebuild the former ruins. Its funny how my whole persepective on life has changed. At one point I would be content to concern myself with my personal welfare and that of my future husband and family. I would be fine with raising a family in a nice area, with good values and a commitment to God. But now I am desperate for more. It is not enough for me to do my best to try and make it in this world. I want to be an overcomer and when I overcome I want to bring thousands upon thousands with me. I have a dream, and it is bigger than I know what to do with. So I give it you Lord. What is this generation from the child to the eldery asking of me? What am I required to give them? I say nothing less than everything. I am personally responsible for the generation I life in. They say we all should just try our best to effect our sphere of infulence in the best way possible. What is my sphere? I am 24 and am fighting for a whole nation to turn back to God. My sphere is the unborn, the poor, the unmarried, the divorced, the church, the world, the entire race of African american men, woman and children. Is there not a cause worth fighting for? Is there not a God in this land? God is not dead. He is alive and he cares about the affairs of man. Nothing is impossible to her who believes. God, I dare to believe that your dreams will come to pass for the african american population in this nation and the nations of this world. oh that you would make me a bright and shining lamp that burns with your glory. I can not believe I will one day awake and be the person you desire me to be. I must realize that every day I am shaping my destiny with my choices. Every day i am choosing life or death, blessings or curses and that it altering the course of my life. Every choice leads me down a path, whether it be the narrow or the broad. I pray for grace Lord. I pray I would be sober and alert. I must life my life as if this all rides on me while knowing that it all rides on you and you not only dont need me but could easily replace me. Your purposes will be fufilled regardless of the man or woman you choose to use. Yet I know you love me and you desire for me to partner with you in seeing your kingdom come to this earth. God I pray I would be teachable, obedienant and trustworthy. I pray I will walk in all that you have for me with humility and love. I adore you father, son and holy spirit. Love, Chrissy
It is fall and I am home. Home has never felt so good, so true, so needed. Of all the places I could be, of all the cities I could dwell in, this one feels the nearest to my heart. Old friends are here. Family remains. Memorial stones from altars of old still stand before you. Sounds of worship from songs sung years ago still linger in your ears. Smells of the insence of intimacy still catch your breath and cause you to look down in love. You love this city because you love me and I have loved you here. So Middletown will not only always be special to me, it will be special to you. For in this city lived a girl who loved you well. And in my heart lives a God who always remembers.
Livejournal, oh how I love thee. At times I forget that you exist. Days, weeks, months pass without a single thought of you. But then one day I remember and it brings a little comfort to my heart. I remember our history and all the bad and good and I'm encouraged to know that a part of me has a space on this crazy world wide web. Ahh. Here I am again in Middletown, CT. Ya know, this is where I was when I first began you a little over 2 years ago. I am in Middletown CT, living with my mom, 2 twin cousins, their eastern european husbands and 4 children( 2 boys from one twin, 2 girls from the other). Its a packed house, with thankfully no animals, and lots of love. It is such a joy living with children, especially when your the big cousin. You don't have to discipline or deal with tantrums. You just get to squeeze em and kiss em and see their smiling little faces light up whenever you arrive home. Its the most wonderful gift to have 4 little darling faces run to the door whenever you walk in and scream in glee " Chrissy, Chrissy!! Whoever is that excited ( consistently) for someone to arrive home?? Only a child. Ahh, I love em.
I came home after the Call which was more than amazing. I'm planning on moving to Atlanta in January and for now Im here in that inbetween place. Im inbetween ministries, leaving the Cause and joining IHOP. I'm inbetween cities, leaving D.C which was my home for quite a while and moving to Atlanta. And Im inbetween life stages, trying to leave childhood and enter into adulthood. So far that ones the hardest to manage. But I do try. I do. I'm trying to get my lisence. I've been driving during the day, a few times at night and once or twice on the highway. I get scared when a car is coming towards me in the opposite lane, it really makes me want to grab the wheel and go as far right into whatever nearby grassy field I can find. I also drive way too slow, or too fast depending on how distracted I can get. I don't get intersections. Even when its my turn I feel I should just let others go, like being polite, like when you get to a door first but open it and let someone else go first. But it doesnt work like that with driving. If you don't go someone might beep,wave their hand at you, roll their eyes and motion for you to get moving. I had one of those little waves yesterday. Yep, I did.
I've also been working on inner healing stuff. Not as much as I should though. Trying to be free from anger,fear, insecurity. Asking God to make me whole. What do I wish if I could just ask and all at once it'd be done? I would want to be completley free from abnormal, exaggerated fear. Id keep the normal healthy fears we all should have, leave out the ones that cause me to lock the car doors in the middle of the day in a safe supermarket parking lot. I'd be free from rejection and confidenant.I'd be able to have guy friendships( this is a big one) and not get so emotionally attached. I'd be less judgemental and critical, show more mercy, have less "opinions" of others. Less jealous, more self-assured, less double minded, more clear and focused. I'd be able to hear Gods voice more clearly, accept his love more freely and give it out more deeply. Yep, that is the where I want to be and day by day I believe I'm getting closer. Addressing things is the first step and I've been living in that one for a little while now. And I'm seeing progress. And even when Im not, others see it, and that makes me happy.
I love being in Middletown in September for a million reasons. Fall Foliage, hot chocolate, my mom, Erin moving to the city, Yeukai 20 minutes away, my church. Even now Im writing this from the computer in P.Pauls office. I havent really been here in so long and now I am. Its crazy how content I am. I went from being in a group that was so "cutting edge", hearing the most amazing speakers, traveling here and there, feeling so close to what God was majorly doing in this time, this hour. And although I loved it, there is no place like home. I love Middletown and all its charms. I know I can go anywhere in the world, but no matter where I travel I have a live lived in this little city. This saturday I'm traveling with some new friends from church to the Big E in Mass. And in a few weeks I'll be going to the Durham Fair!!! I truly couldn't be more excited if I tried. Farm animals, chowder in a bread bowl, fried dough, come on, whats better than that? Half the people in this country dont even know what fried dough is. You ask them and they say , " Funnel cakes?? No, not funnel cakes,fried dough! Yes, Im grateful to be in a state that knows the difference..even if it is just in name :)
But anywho I love Middletown. I love my church with its centuries old stained glass windows and worn red pews. I love main street and how it keeps getting newer and better but not in a overkill way that makes you feel things are changing too much. In a nice, gradually improving way.. I love that I'll be here(hopefully) for thanksgiving and we'll be having it at my cousins new home in Mass. Thanksgiving in Mass..just like the early pilgrims. Perfect! I am truly grateful to be home in this season at this time in my life. Its not been perfect, I've had some teary times and moments of still seemingly young adult angst..but all in all I'm glad to be home.
And I'm grateful for this journal. Ahh..im such a mushbucket. But really, If I was to get a myspace Id feel like Id need to prove myself..put up the cutest pics, use spell check, try to be creative in my writing. Here, alone in the livejournal world I just can just be freely me. Grammatically incorrect, goofy, run on sentence, bad punctuation me..ha ha. Oh and one more thing i love about this season. I've been writing real letters. Stamps, stickers, paper, cards..all and more. Its been like taking a step back in time. I love it. And I've been trying to love my mom because Ive realized no matter what type of ministry I may have in the future or how "succesful" I become, the person I really am is shown in the ways I treat those closest to me. If I can't love my mom in private, I'm lying to myself if I say I love others in public. And I don't want to live a lie. So pray for me livejournal world, pray I am patient enough to go downstairs and get her a coke at 1am, and loving enough to go to the dinner even though I'm not a fan of the food and the restaurants too cold. If I get those two things down, I'll have grown in leaps and bounds.
I have not abandoned you my little livejournal. Although the masses have run to myspace, I have not. I am faithful to my little friend. We've had good times together. Many good times. I am grateful to have a place I can express my innermost thoughts with little concern that anyone will care to read them. There is a certain hiddeness that livejournal provides which I find to be most comforting. I could post an entry saying Im getting engaged in a week and moving to Mexico and not get the slightest response. I could write I'm dying my hair blond and shaving it into a mohawk and not recieve a single reply. I could say Im joining the Peace Corps or becoming a airforce pilot and my dear loved ones would not even be aware of it. All thanks to the lack of interest in this wonderful website called Livejournal. So thank you LJ, thank you. Well on to other matters. Its been a little over 2 weeks since Ive moved back to Washington, D.C. And oh, what interesting weeks they have been. I have cried in the basment of our farm house, not once, but twice. I have cried at the abortion clinic. I have cried in the house of prayer. And I have laughed more times than I can think to count. I have seen the wickedness of my own heart on more than one occasion. And I have repented daily and continually asked the Lord to teach me how to love. I am still asking him for that one. Being in a small, very small, very very small community has its advantages. I am seeing the flaws of others. I am seeing the flaws in my own life. And through it all I am learning to give others grace and learning to recieve it from the Lord as well. I've been going to a black church and LOVING it. Ahh..where do I even began? This week at church they had a celebration service and the little girls did a dance. They had banner and costumes with bright colors, and puffy ponytails and little braids. It was just too much for my little maternal heart to take. I just wanted to grab them all and squeeze them or just jump on stage and twirl with them. Because I do love to twirl. And I am not ashamed to admit I've swung a banner or two around in my day. And two weeks in a row I have seen these adorable little black twins with little matching red hooded jackets and little tiny sneakers and teeny weeny jeans. Oh, those boys. One of them smiled at me and I thought I'd melt. His big grin just warmed my little heart. Oh..yeah. I love children. How is it possible that just looking at another human being can bring inexpressible joy into my heart. How it is possible that a little toothless smile can cause my heart to flip flop so rapidly. Its just a wonder to me. It also makes me think that perhaps I am closer to motherhood than I'd like to believe. My friend Tiffani commented today that she and I will probably both be married and have children in the next 5 years. Something that seems so unbelievable and so far away could very well be a reality to me. Honestly. I mean just look at whats happening around me. Amber my best friend since I was 12 is married and pregnant. Woah. Emily my dear college friend is getting married in July. Stephys walking down the aisle in June. Noe got hitched last summer. And the list continues. And I am 25 years old, one fourth of a century, half of 50! Strange, so very strange. But I am right now on a vow. Yes. I have given myself to the Lord and promised that even if my husband were to come we would not date till 08, at least after the Call..or the elections...or somewhere around that time. And the good thing is that I don't really want to be married right now. And I know people say that, I being one of those main people. But I think I mean what I say this time. I have to learn so much. Cooking, cleaning, respecting, submitting, loving, living with someone who is not me. It takes a lot. And I cant say I am in anyway prepared to do all of those things. I still see myself as a kid. I know I am not. But I still kinda see myself as one. Im just kinda hopping around, praying to turn America back to God, interceding for the Af.Am church, standing in the gap for the nation...ya know, that whole thing. And I am comfortable with doing that type of stuff. I am comfortable living with roomates and eating pizza and sleeping in a bunk bed. What would I know about being someone's wife? Washing someones laundry? Encouraging someone when they feel low. Praying for them when theirs important decisions to be made, like where to send the kids to school or how will we pay a bill we have no money to pay. All of those things are so adult. And I don't know if Im there. I know that this past summer I got 2 words from people about being a natural mom. Not just a spiritual mom but a natural mom. I felt God had to give me those just so I could awaken to the fact that that is a reality I could soon be living in and I need to get my mind prepared for it. Its quite a shocker ya know. I mean, honestly, I love monkey pajamas. But can you really wear monkey pajamas when your married. Highly Unlikely! All I know is marriage is a mystery and I am mystified by it.