Hisdelight

I was online reading through the saved drafts on my email account and came upon this. I wrote it 3 years ago when I was living in D.C and a part of the Justice House of Prayer there. Oh God, I pray you would awaken my heart again. Restore to me the love I had for your people. Revive my heart oh Lord.

Lou always quotes to us a famous saying about the Royal Air Force. Never has so much been owed to so many by so few. I feel I owe my generation more than I comprehend. I look at America, the nation that I love and I feel overwhelmed by its needs. God ultimatley is the only one that can meet those needs, even understand them at all. Yet I feel a personal obligation to fight for the nation I was born into, purposed by God to live in. I dont even know where to begin. Black people and marriage. Over the past few weeks I have read quite a few times that black women more than any other race are not getting married. Why? Because a large percentage of African American men are either in jail or impoverished. I was reading a Washington Post article tonight that mentioned another article written by a black woman and titled " Marriage is for white people". A vast amount of middle aged black women feel they have no hope for marriage, my family included. I look at my neices and my aunts and I know at least in the natural it would be difficult for them to get married, and oddly it is not even expected. I just expect that my white cousins will eventually marry and have children but Its not expected for my black ones. Marriage is a holy instution that God loves, that God has ordained. There is a purpose in it, its to reveal the love of Christ from husband to wife. And it is under attack by the enemy. But there is hope. Through it all I can not believe the report of the enemy. Hope is not lost. Black pastors like Harry Jackson are rising up with voices for justice and family, Will Ford and other men are tackling the issues like abortion and homosexuality that have been pushed under the rug for years. And God still is in control, he has a plan for the african american community, even if they are not aware of it. And where do I fit into all of this? If I can just stay the course I want to see the black church transformed. I want to see us go back to our roots, back to prayer and fasting. Back to the very things that sustained us, empowered us, liberated us, the very God of our ancestors who delievered them from slavery and oppression. I want to see black men and women walking in the potential they have and fufilling their destinys. To see them powerful, confidenant, humble, and using their gifts to glorify God, not fill their pockets full of temporary treasures. I want to see cultural christianity removed and I want people to actually love God and pursue holiness out of a hunger for him, not a religious obligation. And I want to see Fathers. Oh, how I long to see Fathers arise in the black communties. God, give us fathers, give us fathers I pray. I want to let the black community at large in this nation know that hope is not lost. And in order to do that I must believe it myself, believe it and walk in faith, knowing change will come. I want to be an agent of change. God, I want to consul couples and I want to see marriages restored. More and more it is burning on my heart. I dont know how it would come to pass but I trust you Lord. God I have loved the idea of love and marriage from as far back as I remember. And now I see the very instution being attacked, being broken and destroyed. And I will fight to save it. I will fight to see marriage between a man and a women be all that you designed and desire it to be. God I will fight to see black familes, father, mother and many children living together and serving you and their communitys with love and devotion. I want to see black men with character, integrity, faithfulness, discipline. I want to see black women walking in humility, grace, dignity, gentle strength. And not only a small percentage who were privilleged enough to go to the right schools or come from the right families. But everyone from the poor on the street to the ivy league students. God I want to see the poor restored, with more than just a meal for a night and a warm bed once a week. I want to see their lives transformed, I want to see them off the street and delievered and back into society. What would that look like? Healing, consul, the practicals of food and clothing and shelter, love, accountabilty. Perhaps in a community home enviorment with bible based teaching and a high level of care for the ones enrolled. And marriage classes for the poor and the rich. And above all houses of prayer. The answer lies in the contending houses of prayers, all must be built upon that. Houses of prayer that will tackle justice, govt, poor, youth. HOP that will pray and will have works that go along with their faith. There is so much work to be done, so many problems and at times it seems a overwhelming task. But I serve a big God, bigger than divorce, jail, poverty. Bigger than it all. God, I want to see national change. I want to be a revoultionary. More than just write a good book or preach a good sermon. I want to see lasting social change in black churches, families, politics, communities. I want to see an entire people group turned back to you. If It can work in the negative sense, why not the positive. If statistics around the nation can say black marry the less and so on then why cant they say one day blacks are most likely to get married and stay married. I want to reverse the negative decrees. To get there will take more than wishful thinking though. It will take death to myself. It will take purity, holiness, consecration. Everyday I must live my life as if by my victories I am gaining victory for the whole african american population. Help me Jesus. I know I am not alone in my desire to see social change. Help me to meet the right people and to find support and like minded individuals. God wherever my husband is I pray you would be burning these things into his heart, even more than my own. God I count it an honor that one day I will support and love a black man and raise black children. I pray I would never lose sight of that goal, of any of these goals. I feel like Nehemiah, and just in the smallest sense. I see the destruction of my people, I see our broken walls and I feel I must do something to rebuild them. God, give me the passion, give me drive, give me wisdom to know that it will always be you and never me. Give me perserverance and dedication and faith. I need faith and love more than anything else. Train my hands for battle and my fingers for war, teach me to bend a bow of bronze and beat back my enemies until they are destroyed. Father it is no longer about me. I can not afford for it to be about my desires, my wants, my needs. It must be about them. It must be about the little boys without fathers and the middle aged women without husbands. It must be about the young kids who cant read and the talented singers who are pressured to sell their soul for a rap record. It must be about these ones who were called to be kings and queens and are reduced to a spirtiual slavery far worse than the white plantation owners ever could of invented. IS 61 is my life goal. To give beauty for ashes, to rebuild the former ruins. Its funny how my whole persepective on life has changed. At one point I would be content to concern myself with my personal welfare and that of my future husband and family. I would be fine with raising a family in a nice area, with good values and a commitment to God. But now I am desperate for more. It is not enough for me to do my best to try and make it in this world. I want to be an overcomer and when I overcome I want to bring thousands upon thousands with me. I have a dream, and it is bigger than I know what to do with. So I give it you Lord. What is this generation from the child to the eldery asking of me? What am I required to give them? I say nothing less than everything. I am personally responsible for the generation I life in. They say we all should just try our best to effect our sphere of infulence in the best way possible. What is my sphere? I am 24 and am fighting for a whole nation to turn back to God. My sphere is the unborn, the poor, the unmarried, the divorced, the church, the world, the entire race of African american men, woman and children. Is there not a cause worth fighting for? Is there not a God in this land? God is not dead. He is alive and he cares about the affairs of man. Nothing is impossible to her who believes. God, I dare to believe that your dreams will come to pass for the african american population in this nation and the nations of this world. oh that you would make me a bright and shining lamp that burns with your glory. I can not believe I will one day awake and be the person you desire me to be. I must realize that every day I am shaping my destiny with my choices. Every day i am choosing life or death, blessings or curses and that it altering the course of my life. Every choice leads me down a path, whether it be the narrow or the broad. I pray for grace Lord. I pray I would be sober and alert. I must life my life as if this all rides on me while knowing that it all rides on you and you not only dont need me but could easily replace me. Your purposes will be fufilled regardless of the man or woman you choose to use. Yet I know you love me and you desire for me to partner with you in seeing your kingdom come to this earth. God I pray I would be teachable, obedienant and trustworthy. I pray I will walk in all that you have for me with humility and love. I adore you father, son and holy spirit. Love, Chrissy

It is fall and I am home. Home has never felt so good, so true, so needed. Of all the places I could be, of all the cities I could dwell in, this one feels the nearest to my heart. Old friends are here. Family remains. Memorial stones from altars of old still stand before you. Sounds of worship from songs sung years ago still linger in your ears. Smells of the insence of intimacy still catch your breath and cause you to look down in love. You love this city because you love me and I have loved you here. So Middletown will not only always be special to me, it will be special to you. For in this city lived a girl who loved you well. And in my heart lives a God who always remembers.

I have not abandoned you my little livejournal. Although the masses have run to myspace, I have not. I am faithful to my little friend. We've had good times together. Many good times. I am grateful to have a place I can express my innermost thoughts with little concern that anyone will care to read them. There is a certain hiddeness that livejournal provides which I find to be most comforting. I could post an entry saying Im getting engaged in a week and moving to Mexico and not get the slightest response. I could write I'm dying my hair blond and shaving it into a mohawk and not recieve a single reply. I could say Im joining the Peace Corps or becoming a airforce pilot and my dear loved ones would not even be aware of it. All thanks to the lack of interest in this wonderful website called Livejournal. So thank you LJ, thank you. Well on to other matters. Its been a little over 2 weeks since Ive moved back to Washington, D.C. And oh, what interesting weeks they have been. I have cried in the basment of our farm house, not once, but twice. I have cried at the abortion clinic. I have cried in the house of prayer. And I have laughed more times than I can think to count. I have seen the wickedness of my own heart on more than one occasion. And I have repented daily and continually asked the Lord to teach me how to love. I am still asking him for that one. Being in a small, very small, very very small community has its advantages. I am seeing the flaws of others. I am seeing the flaws in my own life. And through it all I am learning to give others grace and learning to recieve it from the Lord as well. I've been going to a black church and LOVING it. Ahh..where do I even began? This week at church they had a celebration service and the little girls did a dance. They had banner and costumes with bright colors, and puffy ponytails and little braids. It was just too much for my little maternal heart to take. I just wanted to grab them all and squeeze them or just jump on stage and twirl with them. Because I do love to twirl. And I am not ashamed to admit I've swung a banner or two around in my day. And two weeks in a row I have seen these adorable little black twins with little matching red hooded jackets and little tiny sneakers and teeny weeny jeans. Oh, those boys. One of them smiled at me and I thought I'd melt. His big grin just warmed my little heart. Oh..yeah. I love children. How is it possible that just looking at another human being can bring inexpressible joy into my heart. How it is possible that a little toothless smile can cause my heart to flip flop so rapidly. Its just a wonder to me. It also makes me think that perhaps I am closer to motherhood than I'd like to believe. My friend Tiffani commented today that she and I will probably both be married and have children in the next 5 years. Something that seems so unbelievable and so far away could very well be a reality to me. Honestly. I mean just look at whats happening around me. Amber my best friend since I was 12 is married and pregnant. Woah. Emily my dear college friend is getting married in July. Stephys walking down the aisle in June. Noe got hitched last summer. And the list continues. And I am 25 years old, one fourth of a century, half of 50! Strange, so very strange. But I am right now on a vow. Yes. I have given myself to the Lord and promised that even if my husband were to come we would not date till 08, at least after the Call..or the elections...or somewhere around that time. And the good thing is that I don't really want to be married right now. And I know people say that, I being one of those main people. But I think I mean what I say this time. I have to learn so much. Cooking, cleaning, respecting, submitting, loving, living with someone who is not me. It takes a lot. And I cant say I am in anyway prepared to do all of those things. I still see myself as a kid. I know I am not. But I still kinda see myself as one. Im just kinda hopping around, praying to turn America back to God, interceding for the Af.Am church, standing in the gap for the nation...ya know, that whole thing. And I am comfortable with doing that type of stuff. I am comfortable living with roomates and eating pizza and sleeping in a bunk bed. What would I know about being someone's wife? Washing someones laundry? Encouraging someone when they feel low. Praying for them when theirs important decisions to be made, like where to send the kids to school or how will we pay a bill we have no money to pay. All of those things are so adult. And I don't know if Im there. I know that this past summer I got 2 words from people about being a natural mom. Not just a spiritual mom but a natural mom. I felt God had to give me those just so I could awaken to the fact that that is a reality I could soon be living in and I need to get my mind prepared for it. Its quite a shocker ya know. I mean, honestly, I love monkey pajamas. But can you really wear monkey pajamas when your married. Highly Unlikely! All I know is marriage is a mystery and I am mystified by it.

Its almost a quarter to midnight and I am at the farm in Bowie, Maryland. Today is January 22, the sad anniversary of one of the worse supreme court decisions ever made in America, the legalizing of the murder of innocent children. Roe v Wade. Today we went to the March for Life rally and stood in the freezing cold and snow with thousands of dedicated pro lifers. We were there to pray, to walk, to stand in the gap for the children whos lives have been stolen these past 34 years. Pastor Ben, Marty and Yeukai were kind enough to join me in this trip. We all drove from CT yesterday and tommorow afternoon we will head back home. It was good having them with me. Somehow it was comforting to have parents and to have a close friend. This trip was the first time Ive been back in D.C since October. It was hard when I left, so very hard. Because of that I was somewhat anxious about returning, all the old memories flooded my mind and I questioned if I could handle what awaited me here. And I did handle it. Thankfully,not perfectly, not without regrets and mistakes but with the grace of God and the perspective that I'm still learning. And its okay if I make mistakes. Its okay if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or pray the wrong prayer..if thats even possible. I love this farm. Tommorow I go home, on Wed I head to Mass to speak to a youth group about abortion and then I go back to CT, work for one more week and then head to Charlotte, Fort Mill, SC to be exact. Im moving there. AH. Somehow I ended up where I told myself I never desired to go. Its a beautiful place, a wonderful community full of passion and intercession and family. But I will miss D.C. Even being here for a day reveals how much of this city is rooted in my heart. There is a piece of me in this city. A little at the Supreme Court, a tiny bit caught between Cosis and Starbucks. Some at the metro station, a smidgen at the captial, a big chunk at the abortion clinic. So many victories, so many losses, or perhaps just let downs. And now I am moving. It feels like I move around alot. The one thing I have realized is that my life seems to be continually characterized by its instability, by its changes, its transitions and seasons. God is stable and he is the rock upon which I stand. But everything else seems to change, whether drastically or gradually. Perhaps I am changing as well, perhaps I am changing in the midst of it all. I feel at least in this season that I am more content in ways that I havent been in a while. I also feel I am more aware. I see my weaknesses, I see my shortcomings and they bother me, they stare me down at times till I feel I cant deal with the shame or the sorrow. Yet even in those times I know my failures dont define who I really am, who I am called to be. I feel God loves me. I feel he even likes me. Alot. But I need to meditate on that more. I need to remember that that reality doesnt change based on my performance, good or bad. I need to remember that he likes me for me, in all my little ways, in all my ins and outs and round abouts. Tonight I went out to dinner with Nikkia and Yeukai. We had soul food. I ate friend chicken and candied yams and mac and cheese. And there was ambiance, the atmosphere was warm, the walls were painted yellow and soft red hues and filled with afro-american art. The music was soul, r+b, and funk and it made me dance in spite of myself. I danced, right at the table while Nikkia joined in with me and Yeukai made silly comments, pretending to be embrassed but secretley enjoying the gaiety of it all. It was nice, once again somehow comforting. Its amazing to me how some things are comforting. To be comforted it seems at though you need to have something filled that was once missing, or experience something that you lacked and now the presence of it makes you feel better, more alive, more fulfilled, more safe. At the restaurant I felt included. It was a soul food restuarant with black art and black waiters and I was there with my black friends and I felt included. Like we were there fitting in in a place where others could not have done the same. It was a nice feeling. Before the restuarant we were in the house of prayer with Sam Brownback, the senator from Kansas who is running for President. We prayed for him, he talked to us, we listened with our eyes fixed on him and our minds wandering, wondering, dreaming and hoping that one day this man who sat in front of us could stand in the very halls of the white house. An impossible dream for some, but not for him, and not for us. We dream big dreams around here. That abortion will end. That a righteous man will enter office. That the Lord would send revival to this nation. Big dreams for us but not for our God. Those monumental things would be easy for him to do, it just takes our faith to believe he could. So I stood today. I stood today at the Supreme Court with tape on my mouth and I prayed. I laughed today. I felt guilt at words I shouldnt have said and I felt pain at the loss of a friend. But in reality I lost my friend long ago. I just never accepted it in hopes that my denial would change things. And it hasnt. But for my one loss I have many gains. The Lord has graciously given me great friends. Next Saturday night I will meet with some of those friends. I am going to gather with my old crusade friends for a reunion. We will eat and pray and talk and just glory in the love of God. Some will come with their fiances, some with their spouses, some just with a favorite pot luck dish. Regardless they will come and I know I will look at them and marvel at the mercies of God. I will be amazed at how hes provided for them, hes changed them, hes stood by them. Even when I havent. How he is the only one that always remains constant. Hes been there for them and hes been there for me, and still he remains, still he remains. I am looking forward to our gathering. I am grateful that the Lord allowed me to be part of such an amazing group, not once but now twice. I love you Lord. Very very much. I feel at times dissapointed in my progress but I am grateful you dont grade with As and Bs. Im grateful you have a curve called grace. In many ways I am content Father. Thankful for where i am going. Thankful for my friends. Thankful for the peace I have in you, and the joy. thankful that even when I do mess up you will never leave me or forsake me. thankful for your devotion to me. thankful that people fail but you never do. thankful that your my father and i am your daughter. Thankful for my future and my past and all that has come into molding and making me. thankful for your love. oh so thankful for your love. I love you daddy.

I don't like when I strive to be accepted by people. Not only in my actions, but even in my words, my intentions, the secret motives of my heart. How many times have I written something just to impress some person I thought to be important. How many times have I bought a piece of clothing and convinced myself I loved it, all the while deep down knowing I only liked it if it could somehow make so and so like me more. How many times have I compromised who I am for who someone else thinks I should be. Or even worse, what I think they think I should be. I don't like that side of me. I like whoever I really am. Who I am when no one is looking and im comfortable enough to let go, to say what I want, laugh when I want to, cry when I feel tears coming. I like to write. I like to write and I like to read. And those are not trivial things to me. They are deep parts of who I am. Even my journal entries are in a real way a window to my soul. I've written in journals since I was 9 years old. Now I am 25 and I still find solace holding a pen and scribbling on a decorated pad. I like to dance. I like to sing and pretend that I am playing the piano as I press my fingers into the carpet or a nearby table. One day I would like to really play the piano. One day I would like to sing and play the piano without the fear of embrassment hindering me. Lately I like hummus, vegi burgers, egg salad, and a bunch of other strange foods I once found quite unappealing. I like me, even in my weaknesses. Even with my fears, jealousies, insecurites and sharp words. I like me and I know that God adores me. And I wish I saw myself more the way he does and less through the eyes of others. I wish I was more like him in the way that I love, the way that I speak, the way that I envision.

Tommorow I will be moving in with Pastor Ben and his lovely wife Marty. I will be moving into their daughters room while she is England for 6 months. I will be being loved and discipled by them. I don't know exactly what it will all look like but I have faith that this season is nessecary for me to be who God calls me to be. I'm a little nervous but more exicted. This is a adventure and I pray I am up for it.

Dear Erica,

I stumbled upon your livejournal tonight and after that decided to check out your myspace. As I read entry after entry I felt my heart ache more and more for you. Even as I write this my heart is literally pained because of the things I read. I don't know if mere words from a somewhat stranger can help, but I will offer them regardless. Erica, you are not alone. I know at times you feel like there is not a soul in the world who truly cares about you, but that is not true. You are dearly loved. At times you may feel no one in this universe understands who you and what is inside of you. But there is someone who understands. There are days when you feel the weight of rejection you carry is to much to bear. But there is someone who will take that weight from your shoulders. When you feel your life is bleak and darkness surrounds your every step please remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Jesus is that light. I know that may sound strange. We all have our opinions of who Jesus is and thoughts on what he must feel towards us. But I want to tell you the truth Erica, he loves you. More than loves you, he adores you. More than adores you, he is totally completely for you in every way. Your hurt, you get hurt again and then again and after a while your whole life is this vicious cycle of rejections and wounds. But Gods words says that He knows the plans he has for your life and they are plans for good and not for evil. God can restore your life. He can heal the wounds in your heart and he can bring you the truth you seek after. By now I am sure that you can see that people will fail you. People will always disappoint because they are human and flawed. If you live your life putting your trust in people alone you will never have peace. You can't place your identity in what people say about you, or how they treat you, or how you view yourself. You have to find out who you really are. And I promise you that God knows the real you. He sees the beauty and the grace that is in you and he wants you to be free. He wants you to be free from rejection and pain, he wants you to experience his love. Our lives are very different. We have different friends and have had different experiences growing up but I too know how it feels to be lonley, to feel unlovable, to feel rejected, to feel I don't matter. I know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep at night wondering if it would be better if you werent even alive. I know how it feels because I have had those nights. But I have also had nights where I go to sleep feeling the most supernatural peace I have ever known. There are days when I wake up and I feel heaven is kissing me, and i feel the warmth of Gods love. There are days when he speaks to me through the Bible , his voice or other people and reminds me that he adores me and that I am his daughter, his beloved. And the joy of those days far outweighs any pain I have felt in the past. Erica, go to Jesus. Go to him with your hurts and your pain. Ask him to help you. Ask him to come into your life and heal the broken places. The Bible says whom the son sets free is free indeed. We are born sinners. We are born with a nature that is greedy, prideful, lustful, bitter, unforgiving and the list goes on and on. But those things lead to death, the kill us on the inside and eventually on the outside as well. As people we have to turn to God and ask him to forgive us for our actions and ask him to change us, to make us like him. He is gracious, true, kind, pure, he is more wonderful than I can describe in words. He is the answer Erica. He is the answer to everything, every question, every desire. He will love you like you long to be loved, if you allow him too. He has seen your entire life good and bad and each day he has waited with arms wide open for you to come to him. In this world there is a spiritual realm, which I believe you know. There is good and there is evil. And right now Satan is trying to take your life and destroy it bit by bit. All of that pain is part of the his plan to ruin your life. Because he knows your life is special, valuable, you have worth. You are made in the image of God and you have a destiny. But God is fighting for you Erica. You may not see it, you may not understand it but there is a battle going on for your life and God is fighting for you because he loves you. He wants you to know the truth, he wants you to be whole. Come to him. Please come to him. He can stop this cycle of pain in your life and he can set you free. He cares. He cares more than anyone could ever care.

I shouldn't be awake right now. Its way to late and I need to be in bed. But nevertheless I will continue on. I think I am the only awake in this whole house. I got back from my 6 to 12 set at the House of prayer completley exhausted and ready to fall right on top of my soft mattress and fluffy pillow. Yet somehow I ended up reading emails from 2 years ago and reflecting on the changes in my life. I love to reflect, perhaps to much for my own good. So, what did I notice about my not so distant past. For one I was so busy last year, and the year before. There was one point where I was juggling a summer class, bound 4 life, stand4truth, the high school ministry, church stuff, somewhat of a social life and my walk with God. And guess which one suffered the most. I dont even know if I knew God in those days. Well thats an exaggeration. I did know him but I felt so overwhelmed with working for him that I didnt get much time to just enjoy being with him. Those were stressful days. Good days, but hard ones as well. But looking back I am so grateful for every moment of it. I loved those high school meetings with the guest speakers and the kids hanging around the chips and soda. I loved going to the clinic early in the morning with ten layers on and my pockets full of tracts. I loved feeling responsible and planning meetings, calling churches, discussing budgets and website ideas. I loved seeing God's heart for the unborn, for the church and for my community, my state. There was so much good that came out of that season. I don't know exactly how I grew during that time, but I know I did. I know something was planted in me. And now a year later I am in such a different place. Sometimes I walk around D.C, past the captial or on my way to the house of prayer and I just kinda wonder " How did I get here". I remember coming here as a child with my dad and going to the museums and seeing all the cool monuments. Never ever did I imagine I'd be standing in front of the supreme court every day wearing a piece of red tape and praying for a nation to turn back to God and abortion to end. Yeah, that was never on the radar. But God knew. He knew it before I was even born. Its so weird to grasp the greatness of my Father. That he knows it all, he knows us all, from every nation and every tongue. And yet he still loves us. I wish I had something profound today but I don't. I am just simply amazed at this thing called life. How it progresses, how much it changes from month to month, year to year. How many people come in and out of it, here in my life one moment, gone the next, and back again after that. How many people have infulenced my life and then moved on to touch the next persons heart. How many people have I touched, how many have I wounded? I think we'll know all those things in heaven when we stand before the judgement seat of Christ. Which is going to be quite terrifying no matter how holy you were. To see our heart revealed in that day will be more eye opening and more frightening than we can ever imagine. Thankfully it only lasts for a certain amount of time, and then, well, Im not sure exactly what happens next. Perhaps Jesus gives you a tour of your new home. Where you will stay forever. And If Im taken aback from the changes in one year, imagine what God could do in your life after 1300 years in heaven. Wow. And because my mind always goes here I will state another odd concept. Marriage. Children. Grandchildren. One day I will likely possess those things. Odd. So very very odd. I feel I am so different, so uniquely me. Ive got these memories, and this sense of humor doesnt always match with others. Honestly most of the time I laugh with people out of politeness but not because I really think what they think is funny. I just feel no one should have to laugh alone. I have ideas and thoughts about life, I have passions and dreams and I like oldies music and beatles love songs. Im just so me. And to think that God has picked someone out there who I don't know who will actually understand me to some extent and want to spend their life with me. Ahh..its so weird. And to think that after all the boys I have meet I will meet this one and I will be attracted to him, enjoy his personality and even want to hold his hand and go on picnics with him and plan our budget together. Odd. So Odd. And hes going to be black. Im going to be a wife of a strong black man. Me, a girl who used to think red heads were the cream of the crop. I am going to marry a black man and be his supportive black wife. And I'll probably cook him dinner. And I'll probably fold his shirts and put away his socks. Surreal. Oh, and we'll probably see a nation changed somwhere in the midst of all the eating and folding. I believe for it. But I just can't really imagine it. Its almost like telling me Im going to turn into another mammal one day or I'll be living in another nation like Spain or Hungary. I know those places exist and people live there. I know guys exist and people marry them. But me? Christina? How can a guy every understand me? I dont feel ive ever really been understand by guys. I feel they see me and talk to me and some come close and some don't but few ever really get this whole being called Christina. But maybe God controls that and maybe he will allow my husband to see what he closed their eyes too. I feel like Feivel the mouse when he looks up at the sky and sings " somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight, someones thinking of me and loving me tonight". Most likely he is out there right now in America somewhere. Hes sleeping in some bed,working at some job, he has friends and family and maybe even a pet or two. And he has favorite songs and favorite foods and even his own little style. He probably even collects something like shoes, or books or rocks. Hes this real person who lives this real life that will one day just collide with my real life and become our life. And then after time it will be so normal that I will forget what it felt like before he was around. It will just seem he's always been there. And ill be so comfortable around him that he will feel like limb that was just always a part of me. And you know whats even odder, Jesus. Ive never seen him, Ive never looked into his eyes but one day I will marry him in heaven. One day I'll look right at him and I'll probably get to touch him and even though Ive never seen him he will know absolutley everything there is to know about me. Even the words in my mind at that exact moment. And it will be beyond wonderful. But right now it just all seems so weird. Like a parallel universe or something. Like a dream that I know is real but can't truly understand how it all could be. Hmm. I'll be 25 this year and something big is going to happen on my birthday. Either it will be big in the natural and I'll see it or big in the spiritual realm and God will tell me about it. Either way its big and either way I have got to go to bed.

I need God to heal my eyes. I know he can. I know he wants to. I know he will. So in the meantime I am refusing to wear my glasses or contacts. Its been almost one full day now of blurry vision and fuzzy shapes. I am expecting to get 20/20 vision. What a miracle this will be. Ive heard 2 stories of people who stopped wearing their glasses and eventually were healed by God, sooner more than later. So I hope to be next in line.

Tommorow I get a root canal and Im actually exicted about it. Why, you ask? Well, because I needed one and I called today for an appt. and got one for tommorow which never happens. The dentist is supposed to be great and at 24 I'm still on my dads insurance which is a miracle to say the least. After this one I need another and then 3 more wisdom teeth pulled. But we'll deal with one painful oral surgery at a time.

Right now I am in Middletown on my Grandmas computer. March 1st I was in San Fransico. April 1st I was in Boston. May 1st i'll be in D.C. But as for now I am in Middletown, my dear home town. Oh how I love thee! With the cities new stores and reconstructed streets it seems like everythings changing, yet somehow its all still the same. The same faces, the same friendly houses with their lush yards full of spring flowers and New England charm. The 4th of July fireworks that bring out the masses to Habor Park. The winding roads that I used to walk from my house to the high school and back again. The diner we'd all go to late night till early morning, attempting to attract the attention of boys we admired and alert our parents to the fact that we were no longer adolscents. The thai place dowtown where I'd stuff my face with spring rolls and jasmine rice. The liberal university whose students never cease to shock me with their latest protest or most recent declarations of assumed truths. Ahh, Middletown. Saddly I won't be here to experience these simple hometown joys. I'm going back to D.C for the summer to pound it out in the House of prayer. To see abortion end, and America turn back to God. So as much as I love my town, my family and my friends, I have no regrets. Not when a nation is at stake, or better yet a world. The battle rages whether its the cold harsh winter or the delightful days of summer. The war remains and the cause is the same. Justice, no matter what the personal cost. A Nazirite is one who rejects the legitimate pleasures of this world for the greater pleasure of knowing God. So by Gods grace I will spend this summer hot dog free, away from ice cream and clinging to a fasted lifestyle. I crave a cheeseburger almost every day but I know in my heart he's worth it.

I learned alot in Boston. I'm not ready to completely process it or even explain it in fear that when I do I will have somehow summarized it all into nice tiny compact lessons and it will have lost its wonder and its messiness. The brokeness I felt, the heights of divine bliss, the lows of lonliness. It was a remarkable 40 days of faith testing and Christina breaking. I do have regrets. I could of fasted more, prayed harder, sinned less, loved more. But I can't do it again. I can only hope that something of eternal signifigance will remain from what I poured out.

After this summer I'll be a month or so away from my 25th birthday. One fourth of a century and more in love with Jesus than ever before. And more aware of my lack of true devotion to him and service to others. Oh and humility. Can't forget that which I long for but have yet to attain. But in the midst of it all I know i am loved. Much much more than I can ever comprehend. And because of that i know it'll be a good year.

During Christmas I dreamt I left the Cause and was walking down a street filled with unique stores and vintage shops. As I walked down the street I went into various shops and looked at the interesting items they held. I walked by a homeless man on the street, stopped to give him some money and then watched as his face broke out into a big smile displaying his thankfulness. I lived out that dream this week. Walking down the streets of San Francisco I visited similar stores and gave to similar people. The streets here in San Fran are filled with the poor, the broken and the needy. Some are young kids who've run from home and now live on the streets begging for money to by some food or beer. Some are older men who've lived on the streets for years and have become accustomed to a live of poverty. Some are strung out on drugs, some are cohorent men who aside from their dirty clothes and unkempt apperance would resemble any one of our fathers or older coworkers. I came to San Fran beliving I had something to give to these men but now I realize I have something greater to learn. Henri Nouwen once wrote " The poor are prophets calling us to live simplier lives". Jesus himself said " Blessed are the poor for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". I asked myself so many questions today. Do the poor truly deserve the self righteous pity I give them? In the view of heaven are the poor not in many ways better off than myself, better off than those entangled with the love of money and the need for acceptance that causes me to strive to have the best clothes and the best possessions. In that area do they not walk in more freedom than I do. They are free from the love of man. They are not striving to please anyone, merely trying to survive. In that area I am the one that is poor and needy. I am the one that is blind and naked. I am the one that should be pitied. The poor deserve our love and our compassion just as the rich do. I believe we should give to them and love them but not with a patronizing heart or out of a religious obligation. We should never feel the dollar we hand them is doing them some big favor and causing God to give us a huge pat on the back. It takes more than that. It takes acknowledging them, listening to them, dare I say, touching them. I preach these words mainly to myself. I sat with a lonley young man named Justos. He said if I looked I could find his name in the Bible. He also said he wasn't a Christian but he knew if Jesus was walking the earth now he would be with him, with all of the homeless. When we gave him a half gallon of milk he said it was a luxury he hadn't enjoyed in a while. He practically gulped the whole thing down before our eyes. He didnt want to shake our hands because he said he had a bad rash on his hand. We asked him if we could pray for his hand and he said yes. I held his hand but as I was praying I realized I was touching his rash and I moved my hand slightly. I didnt take my hand off but I removed it a little and that was enough. You could argue I was being wise. But was Jesus wise when he touched the lepers, was Saint Francis wise when he held them. The wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. I'd rather be a fool in the eyes of God than wise in the eyes of man. I don't know much but I do know that God views mankind much differently than I do.  I am tired of seeing things through my eyes.  My eyes have been blinded by the lies of our materialistic society and culture. I want to see as Jesus sees. In this life we can live for this world or we can live for the next. We  can store up our treasures in heaven or on this earth. Perhaps the poor are closer to God because they have less idols than most of us. Jesus said " Blessed are you who hunger now for you shall be filled, but woe to those who are full for they shall hunger. All I know is this; whoever is a friend of the poor is truly a friend of God.

Romans 9

I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit—I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, those of my own race, the people of Israel. Theirs is the adoption as sons; theirs the divine glory, the covenants, the receiving of the law, the temple worship and the promises. Theirs are the patriarchs, and from them is traced the human ancestry of Christ, who is God over all, forever praised! Amen.

Can you imagine the great pain Paul must have been in as he wrote these words? He said that he had great sorrow and unceasing anguish in his heart for his brothers, those of his own race. Think about that for a moment. Great sorrow and unceasing anguish. He didn't just pity his people, he didn't just feel bad for them or half heartedly desire their salvation. He had GREAT SORROW over their ignorance of the gospel and their rejection of Christ. Great sorrow and unceasing anguish. Paul goes as far as to say that he would even wish to be cut off from Christ for the sake of the people of Israel. He would give up all he had just for them to come to know Christ. Even now as I read this I can not help but weep for the people of Israel. They must come to know Jesus as the Messiah for he is truly their only hope. I can say it no better than Paul said it 2000 years ago. Theirs are the patriachs, the adoption, the covenants, the receiving of the law. We as gentiles were grafted in to the tree, but they are the root. And God is exceedingly zealous over Jerusalem. When Jesus walked this earth he yearned to gather the Jewish people under his wings like a mother hen gathers her chicks. I honestly don't know how to express my heart for Israel. I feel as if she is a part of me. Even now I am so focused on America and abortion that at times I forgot about Israel and how much I love her and long to see her salvation. But when I remember Israel it is like I am remembering my childhood, it is like I am reflecting on something that is so deeply etched inside my heart. I fear even consuming myself with her again because I know I would be overwhelmed and unsatsified living here.

Israel is in a horrible state right now. Their Prime Minister Ariel Sharon went into a coma and he was a greatly respected leader who Isreali citizens trusted in and cared for. Jews are being forced to leave their homes in Gaza and the West bank so their land can be given over to Palastiniens in the pursuit of peace. The President of Iran has openly declared that he wants to wipe Israel off the face of the world and annihilate the Jewish race. And he is not alone in his hatred for the Jewish people. In these end times there will be many who will stand aganist Israel and vow to bring destruction to the apple of God's eyes. And what will we do as Americans, as Christians, as brothers and sisters to these who were made in the image of God? What willl I do in these times? I don't know but I I must do something. I was reading an article last night by Mike Bickle were he was stating how every nation will one day stand aganist Israel. Something so deep inside of me wanted to scream " No, not America, over my dead body will America stand aganist Isreal"! And that is how I feel. Perhaps it is out of emotional zeal but I feel a deep stirring to do whatever it takes to see that America will stand with Israel as long as we possibly can. I know Biblical prophecy must be fufilled, but I question if perhaps our intercession we can hold it off for a time. Mike also teaches that in these end times there will be an extermination that is far greater than the Holocaust. The nations will turn aganist Israel and the Jews will be persecuted and hunted down like never before in history. It will then be our job as believers to lay down our lives for them and sacrifice all we have to love them. We will have to take them into our homes and pray with them and protect them no matter what the cost. When we do that then their eyes will be open and they will see Jesus in us and be provoked to jealousy as the Bible says. I just wept and wept this morning because I realized how the Body of Christ is in no way on a large scale provoking them to jealousy with our extravagent love for Christ. In most cases we are just provoking them to anger because we are so judgemental and lack geninue love for them, myself included.

I don't know how or when or what it will look like but I will fight on behalf of Israel. I feel strongly that it is in my destiny to fight for these beloved people, these beautiful children of God. I weeped uncontrollably on the floor as I read Corrie Ten Booms book and then later watched the movie account of her involvement in rescuing Jews during the Holocaust. Then a few years later God opened up a door for me to go to Holland and stand inside her very house, the very room where he hid the Jews not too many years past. I lied down in the very spot the Jews hid while the Nazis broke in and arrested Corrie and her family and brought them to a concentration camp. I walked the very streets that were once filled with Nazi soilders and jews being dragged away to their death. I walked through Anne Franks attic and cried on the ground of an old jewish work labor camp where Anne was shipped before she went to meet her death at a concentration camp. So much of my trip in Holland was focused on seeing the agony of the Jewish people and feeling the pain they went through. And in a small measure I felt it. I weeped for them, for what they could of been, for what they should be now, for the love I know God carries for them. I weep for them now because I see how their land is in turmoil and distress and war. Without Jesus they have no freedom and are captives to the law and to sin. I believe what Mike Bickle says is true and I believe it may happen in my day. I want to be ready. Whether I play a small part in helping them or a large I want to be ready. Whether in my old age I hide 10 jews in my house or I never see the persecution but just befriend one, I still want to be ready. I want to do my part, whatever that is. Perhaps even now it is through intercession, I pray if that is it that I would be faithful in area. I feel more connected to them than any other people group in this world.

In the beginning of March our community is going on a 40 day fast to contend with the spiritual forces of Islam that are coming aganist the world. We have a new site up www.facedown40.com that explains more about it. Islam is growing rapidly and it is a religion that is characterized by acts of extreme violence and hatred for Jews and Christians alike. The president of Iran even pubicly declared that he believes Israel is the little satan and America is the great Satan that needs to be destroyed. This is a man who has alliances with other middle eastern nations, the authority to rally troops into battle, and the ability to make nuclear weapons. His words are not to be taken lightly. Lou has gotten dreams that tell him that this 40 day fast will put him in a place where he will meet in the spiritual realm the Prince of Persia. We literally believe this fast will lead to the salvation of this leader and transformation in the muslim nations along with the protection of Israel and America from muslim domination. The other day I was reading an article online that talked about the great uproar that came from muslim nations viewing blasphemous depections of their prophet muhammod in a danish cartoon. Muslims all around the world protested, burned the Danish embassy, called for the cartoonist and other men to be beheaded and rioted in the streets. All this over a cartoon. We are not playing around with a peace filled religion or a people group that are thinking or acting rationally. We are contending with a spirit of anger and violence that doesn't seek peace but seeks total domination, whatever the cost. The muslim leaders are literally teaching their children to be martrys at a young age while our churches are encouraging our young people to seek after prosperity and the American dream. While were seeking the American dream they are plotting to destory America! How can we stand aganist an enemy this strong when were playing games and they are preparing for holy war!

After reading that article I was in my room and the thought came to my mind " If we ever had a World War 3 it would be aganist the Muslims". I dismissed the thought as paranoia and went on with my day but then later on we had a meeting and Lou and Brian brought up that exact thing. Up until that point we barely talked about Muslims but that day our whole meeting was focused on whats happening in the Middle East and Brian even said that if the world went into another war it would be with the muslims. I was floored. One of the women leaders here even said she has had dreams where God was telling her that our intercession could prevent a possible WW3. These are frightening things but we can not afford to be ignorant of the enemies schemes. Look at the peaceful Dutch people just 40 years ago, do you ever think they imagined their streets would soon be filled with with gun toting soilders who were thirsty for Jewish blood? I doubt they even imagined that could ever be a possibility. But it happened, it really happened and it was less than 50 years ago. Something is stirring now against the Jewish people and the world that we must be aware of. I don't want to be caught by surprise again like most of the church was on 9/11. I want to be aware, I want to be contending in intercession, I want to be sober and alert and I want to stand in the gap for my nation, Israel and the world.

This is a true account of a dream Joshua Harris once had( the author of I kissed dating goodbye). I stumbled upon it as I was randomnly searching through his site this morning. I read it years ago and was touched by it then but for some reason it seems even more powerful now. It brings conviction to my heart as well as a pure thankfulness for God's great grace and love towards me. Enjoy.

"The Room" by Joshua Harris

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.”

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. “Books I Have Read,” “Lies I Have Told,” “Comfort I Have Given,” “Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger,” “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked “Songs I Have Listened To,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

“No!” I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, no,” as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

I read this on Roo's site and it reminded me so much of Jesus and I.

"Sometimes I think being married means having a perpetual playmate. Sometimes I think for the two of us, our adulthood is just an extension of our childhood. We're adult enough when we need to be, fulfilling responsibilities and such, but when we can be carefree,its the best".

I am falling in love with Jesus. Today during worship I allowed God to take my imagination and make it a playground for him and I. In my mind I was in a park today dressed in a cute yellow polo tee and an over the knee crisp white skirt. I had a bunch of colored chalk pieces and I was drawing Jesus' eyes. I was waiting for my beloved to come to the park and play with me. I was drawing his eyes and as I drew them my heart was waiting with joyful anticipation for his arrival. Finally he came and when I saw him I dropped my chalk and ran up to him to hug him. Then we played. We swang on the swings and he pushed me and as I flew in the air the wind rushed through my skirt. He held my hands and spun me around and around till I got kinda dizzy and was filled with glee and laughter. At one point I heard an ice cream truck approaching and I ran to it to get my favorite treats. When I got there Jesus was the one driving it and I was so suprised and then happy cause he let me climb inside the back of the truck with him. He stopped the truck on the street and we sat down inside and ate every type of ice cream imaginable. We sat on the floor surrounded by wrappers and he fed me choclate ecliars and popsicles and strawberry cones. And we laughed and the ice cream dripped from my face and he looked at me with total adoration because I am his little doll. Then we drove through the neighboorhood and kids gathered all around the truck and we gave them as much free ice cream as they wanted. There were little black kids and cute asian ones and we passed them fudgesicles and popsicles and they showed us their thankfulness with their gleaming smiles. Oh, it was so fun. Then we visted the park I used to go to when I was in 4th grade and lived with my Dad. And Jesus showed me that even then he knew me and enjoyed me and was with me. And I remembered how my Dad and Robert and I would walk down the street to the park and I would get dizzy as I spun around on the rides and how I felt when I played in the sand. And I remembered how I was thrown in the pool when I was taking swimming lessons and how scared I was. And then I realized that Jesus was there then and he saw me in the pool and he delighted in me cause he thought I was adorable and so very precious. And at times he saw me in the sand and knew I was sad cause I missed my mom in California or was dealing with childhood pain and he looked at me with love and compassion. And when he saw me alone in the sandbox he sat down next to me and looked at me with mercy and put his arm around me and held me. And he watched me play and he protected me and he thought about how special I was and how he would do anything for his daughter.

Yeah, we had a good journey together. For years I have used my mind in sinful ways. I have used my thoughts to imagine being with a guy I liked or daydreaming about the desires of the flesh I wanted to fufill. Now when I worship I am allowing God to use my imagination to glorify him. When I do he takes me places in my mind. Mostly he takes me through places of my life and shows me that he was there. Its different every time because there is so much he wants to show me. Once I saw him in the hospital room when I was born looking intently at me and being so proud that I was born. Gazing at me with love and talking to the father and remarking at what a beautiful baby I was. Once I imagined him in heaven talking with God as he flipped through this huge antique like book that was filled with beautiful paintings of my life. As he flipped the pages he would say " Look there she was in her 5th grade play, wasn't she cute? Oh, heres on of her wearing those big pink glasses that I loved, oh there she was in high school going through her fashionable stage". Every drawing was carefully painted with bright beautiful colors and displayed a memory that brought so much joy to his heart. He was absoulteley delighed in every one of them because I was in them and hes absoultey delighted by me. It was sweet. So Jesus and I are falling in love and it is great. And I honestly dont believe these pictures are just my imagination. I believe there is more truth in them than I can ever realize. And somehow they bring healing. Once I saw myself before my junior prom. I was on my front porch dressed in my long blue gown with my hair done and my makeup perfectly applied. Jesus was watching me and he was so very proud, he was so proud that I looked so beautiful and he was so happy for me that I was enjoying myself. He watched me the whole night and was so exicted that I was dancing and having a good time. But then at the end of the night my date left me and wanted to go hang out with another girl and Jesus was so upset. He was more than upset, he was hurt. He looked at me and his eyes where burning with jealous love. It was like his whole being was saying " No, not my daugther, not her, she does not deserve this , not my precious little girl, not the one I love". When I saw how hurt he was I began to cry. In real life I began to cry as I was imagining this. The prom was so long ago and I never think about it but at that moment I cried because I remembered the hurt and I weeped over it because I saw that it hurt him and I saw how much he loved me. He is so jealous over his little girl and he gets angry when I dont get the treatment I deserve. Cause I am his. I saw how he has protected me over the years and how guys I liked have come around and he has talked to the father and said " nope, I will not let her go to that one, nope, he is not good enough for her. That was a sweet picture. I saw how protective he is of me and how he watches over me and will not give me to just anyone. That made me feel special and loved. So yes, Jesus and I are getting closer because I am seeing that he has always been there through the good and the bad. He saw my Moms divorce and the times I felt alone and cried as a little girl. He saw me in college when my friends left me and I struggled to find truth. And in those times he didn't just see me, he was with me. When I was sitting on the floor of my college dorm room crying he was sitting right next to me and he had his arm around me and was rubbing my back and holding me as I wept. He saw me in the good times when I graduated college and he was so proud to watch me walk down the aisle. He was there amidst all the crowds and his face was beaming with pride because hes been in love with me since before I was born. He pretty much has been madly in love with me forever and knowing that makes me want to love him more. And thankfully I have all of this life and the next to develop that love.

Things are beginning to shift in my life and If I continue on this course I feel a major breakthrough will be soon on its way. Specifically, what is God doing? For starters I am seeing the power of truth. Over and over again Jesus began statements to his disciples with the words " I tell you the truth". I tell you the truth unless you are born again you can not enter the kingdom of God. Jesus gives these truth statements over and over again throughout the gospels. It took me 24 years to figure out that he says these statements because he is simply always telling his followers the truth, and nothing but the truth. Ha. And we can't handle it( to continue on with my few good men quote). Because of God's great love for us he continually tells us the truth. " No, eating those cookies is not good for you, its actually going to make it harder for you as you struggle to overcome gluttony. " I know you like that particular guy and think he's the one but he's actually not interested in you at all and is not the person I've destined for you to be with". OUCH! I've actually heard that truth a few times before. Most of the time God tells me things and even though I know he's speaking I still try and hide from him and cover my ears to his voice. Somehow I think that if I just pretend I don't hear him than it will make what he's says untrue. I can just pretend all is well and go on living like I was before. The sad thing is that I convince myself living in deception is easier than facing the truth, and it really isn't. Truth brings freedom. It may hurt but its a good hurt because it leads you into liberty. Deception just grows and grows and it can keep a person in bondage for years if they allow it. I recently heard a story of a poor Christian guy who prayed for like 2 years about this girl that he liked and thought was the one. After that extended time period he came to her and shared his heart. She thought he was a wonderful guy but didnt have any feelings for him so she had to nicely let him down. I feel bad for the guy but the question I have to ask is " What was he hearing"? I'm not judging him cause I have totally been there and I understand how confusing matters of the heart are. But what was God saying to him during this point and what was Satan? And whos voice did he listen to more often? God wants us to live in the truth and he wants us to walk in freedom. In his mercy God reveals truth to us because he adores us and wants us to know his will for our lives. He doesnt tell us everything but when we are being decieved and lead into confusion he often does share some knowledge and revelation with us. Its just that we often don't want to hear it or we convince ourselves that he is wrong and we are right. That frankly is never the case. The bottom line is that to recieve truth we need to cling to the word of God. Our heart is deceptive, our emotions lie to us, we can't trust our feelings or even our wonderful friends. We must CLING to the word of God as if our live depends on it. Because in reality it does. The word of God is sobering, it brings the cold, hard truth like nothing else. You think your in love and God tells you to flee youthful lusts. You think your about the hottest thing in the world and God speaks vanities of vanity to you. Satans telling you the worlds going to end and God says " I will hide you under the shadow of my wings and no evil will befall you". News flash! Satan lies all the time and he will never stop. He will always tell us this person hates us, our boss wants to fire us, we will never get married and we look fat or ugly. He will always tell us it doesnt matter if we witness, or read our Bible or even pray as much as we used to cause its okay to be in a relaxed restful season. He will always lie to us because that is his nature. He is a liar and will always be. Look at the world. There are millions following false religions, in abusive realtionships, addicted to drugs and so on. The sad thing is that they may live their whole life caught up in these destructive lies only to die one day, stand before God and realize the cost of their errors. We need to praise God that he tells us the truth, no matter how much it stinks to hear it. I would rather hear it now than hear it on judgement day. If I truly don't love people and I'm full of pride I want to know now so I can repent and ask God to change my heart. I dont want to live in denial and find out when I'm standing before blameless ,spotless Jesus. Justin Kendrick once said when its comes to deception its never a matter of if were decieved, but where were deceived. So were are you decieved? What lies are you believing right this very moment? That God is frustrated with you and is tired of seeing you fall? That he's run out of grace towards you? That you'll never fulfill the dreams he's put in your heart? Whatever the lies are you need to ask Jesus to be the truth that sets you free. We can continue in deception for as long as we want but the more we are in it the more damage it does. Today you can be free if you seek him for truth.

I just booked my ticket to go to San Francisco. I will be flying out on Feb 22 and staying with the San Fran team for a few days before we drive to Fresno for a conference/siege. I really feel that this trip is going to change the way I view the lost and give me more of a heart for them. The people living in San Fran are definitely in need of a revelation of the Fathers heart towards them. The team of intercessors that are there are laying down their lifes to stand in the gap for the homosexual community , the church, the whole city. I feel honored to be able to join them in this fight, even if just for a few days. After my short stay in San Fran we will be in Fresno and I will be able to share my testimony and Jesse will be speaking, most likely about the life message. I know the Lord is going to move in crazy ways and I so anticipate seeing the things he will do. There are going to be 3 three day seiges in 3 different cities in California with meetings each night. That means that over those 3 days a ton of prayer will be released over California. And it desperately needs it because there are more abortion clinics in California than anywhere else in the U.S. Of course thats because Cali is so huge, but even so that is still such a horrible reality. I believe if abortion can end in that state, it can end anywhere. So, I will have to really be prepared for this trip. It will be a lot of fun to go hang out with the San Fran team but I am not going to just have fun. I am going because I want to see change in Cali, in America for that matter. I am going to speak out on behalf of those that have no voice. I want my heart to be in the right place so I can receive all God has for me and pour out all that he desires for me to give to that state and it's residents. Plus I want to go with an attitude of faith. I want to go knowing that this is not just another conference. I want to go believing a major change can happen in Cali, even over the course of a week. Can a nation be changed in a day? Yes, I believe it can. So how much more a week. A few weekends ago our team was praying for the San Fran team and asking God to release miracles and healings through their ministry. Perhaps that will happen while I am there. Who knows? I am serving a miracle working God and nothing is impossible for him. So needless to say I am excited. I didn't see this trip coming but I am so thankful that God is allowing me to be a part of what he plans to do in that great state. He loves me, I love him. He's killing me but in the midst of it he gives me little treats and that makes the death process just a bit easier.

Have you ever felt so many different emotions at once that it seemed almost impossible to express them to another or even to yourself? That is how I feel now. I feel anxious, hopeful, excited, alone and inadequate all at the same time. I don't know if it's even possible to really feel all of those things, but I do. I got a confirmation of my life calling today. I am more honored and more frightened than I've ever been before. I feel there is so much that will be asked of me and I question if I can give it. If I've never truly trusted God before this would be the time to start. I look at those that have gone before me and I stand in awe of the sacrifices they have made. They have given their life for freedom, for justice, for the cause of Christ to go forth to the nations. They ran the race and now that they are gone the torch is passed on to me, and to you. Sometimes I look at the torch and want to drop it and run and hide. But the scary truth is that you can never really run away from your destiny. It will always haunt you, no matter where you go. Eventually I will stand before the Lord and I will meet the cloud of witnesses and those that have given their all to Jesus. I want to be able to stand in their presence knowing I did not shrink back from what the Lord asked of me. I feel really alone. Not in the sense that I am not loved or not appreciated or cared for. I feel alone in the sense that I feel I have all these thoughts and questions that no one can answer or perhaps even really understand. And for the first time ever I really feel that my childhood must end and adulthood must began. I feel I have no one to really look to but Christ alone. He is more than enough though and I pray I would truly realize that. I know that if I can make him my everything than I can handle whatever trials or circumstances come my way. But walking in the fullness of what He has for me will take more than words or strong desire to obey. It will take nothing less than my complete and total death. Once again I will state that Christina must die so Christ can live in her. By his grace and grace alone.

Our team is supposed to be going on a field trip today and I feel just awful. My head is achy, my nose is stuffy and my body just feels weak. Just the idea of walking around the city is far too much for me to bear. Well, perhaps I'm being a little overdramatic. But I do feel quite weary. So perhaps I can figure out a way to go on part of the trip and stay home for the other part. Hmm.

I went to Barnes and Nobles a few days ago and bought a small black journal. This new journal is making me more happy than I ever imagined it would. I am using this journal to not only record my prayers but my favorite quotes and my general observations on life. Its leather and has a little strap on it that you pull over the front to close it and it is tiny enough to fit in one hand. Carrying it around is sort of making me feel like an undercover spy. Ha. I actually find it amazing how amused I am by my own thoughts. There in my head all the time and I barely notice them but when I write them down they seem much more interesting. Then once there written I never cease to take pleasure in reading them over and over again. Its strange, huh?

Lately I've had this strong desire to go to the Library of Congress. I have heard that that library contains every book ever published in America. I think that is just amazing. Plus I think they give lectures there. Even though I was glad to leave college and move on with life, sometimes I still get a craving to hear a good lecture.
Especially on history or politics or philosophy or world religions. Perhaps I will start educating myself while I'm here. I really want to increase my vocabulary, learn more about the history of our nation and research the lives of influential African American leaders, past and present.

This morning one of the young girls here told me one the communitys fishes is named Gilbert and the other one is named Charity. I think those are pretty good names for fishes. In fact I would consider naming my children after those fishes. Whenever I hear the name Gilbert I think of one of my favorite movies, Anne of Green Gables. Anne and Gilbert made the most adorable couple ever. Of course it took them forever to get together, which was quite annoying. But when she finally realized her feelings for him it was more than worth the wait. Ahh..I love that story. I know Erin does too, and Renelle as well. In fact if I remember correctly Erin even went on vacation in Prince Edward Island where it was filmed. Oh how I wish I could go there. I get so much joy from just looking at the leaves in our backyard or the sun through our living room window. I can't imagine how ecstatic I would be if I ever got to go somewhere really spectacular like Ireland or Greece. I think my heart would explode inside my chest. Ahh..and I haven't even mentioned Israel. I don't even want to think of what will happen when God brings me to Israel. It will just be too much for me to handle. God will have to literally expand my heart to hold all of the love and joy I will be feeling. Seeing one old Jewish man near the Supreme Court on my birthday brought me to tears. Imagine a whole city full of them. Oy vei!

I took a leadership test today and it said I was Adolf Hitler. My fellow brothers and sisters got Mother Theresa, JFK, Albert Einstein and I got Adolf Hitler. Humph. The caption said that I was Adolf because I was paranoid and looking to constantly protect myself from my imagined enemies. I take it as a sign that I have just too much anxiety in my heart. I have struggled for years with fear, almost every type you can imagine. Fear that someone's going to break into my house and kidnap me. Fear that I am going to get hit by a car. Fear that I will never fufill God's purposes for me. Fear, Fear and more fear. Sometimes its subtle, sometimes I feel on the verge of hysteria, but regardless of how strong or weak it seems it just is always there. I want to be free from this and I know I can be. After all the Bible does say that perfect love casts out fear. So I know my fear is partly because I don't trust God's hand of protection over my life. Lately the fear of getting hit on the road is the most present. Right before I came to D.C I got in a little accident and then I got in another one near Christmas and its caused me to be so paranoid whenever I get in a car. Its like I hold my breath when I'm riding around because I'm afraid that any moment will be my last. I truly need deliverance. And I mean that. I feel I need real freedom from this. God does not want me to live in this because its tormenting and where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, not bondage to fear or anxiety.

The kidnapping fear is by far the worst one that I've ever dealt with. I've dealt with that for years, ever since I was a young girl. Even now it still seems so real. I came home over Christmas and had to stay alone in my moms big house and there were times I was terrified. I literally was watching the doors and planning my escape route. It was more than ridiculous. I think alot of my fears stem from childhood. I think doors were opened and that I can't recall that allowed fear and torment to come in. But I'm not a child anymore and I know Jesus did not die on the cross and raise again to watch me cowering in fear like a dear caught in headlights. He wants me to be free and I want it to, desperately. I think I need deep healing in my heart.

On another non-related note, I love the streams in the desert devotional. It is truly the best devotional ever written, in my humble opinion of course. I have my own copy of the book but usually I just read it online cause I left my copy in CT. I really enjoyed today's message so I thought I'd share. Today I was struggling with knowing the exact plans God has for me at this exact moment. My lack of trust drives me to constantly ask him to spell out what tommorow and the next day will hold. Sometimes its just so hard for me to not feel the need to know what will happen in my life. The biggest issue today was the the Black church and I. Lately I feel that God really desires to make me a voice to the black community. That is something I prayed about in the past and I do desire that but I also see the lack of love I have towards them and the judgement I carry in my heart. I have judged the black church more than I care to mention. I feel God wants to use me to reach them but I know I can't without a real love for them. I need to love them more than I love myself, like Paul loved the Jewish people. He loved them so much he was willing to lay down his life for them and be accursed and cut off if it would bring salvation to them. I need that type of extreme love,even if most of them hate Bush and don't vote according to their moral convictions they are still children of God who are loved and desired by him. I know I need to love them but I also need to realize that it may not happen all in one day. As I submit to God he will develop that love in me. Today I was taking it in my own strength and it was driving me crazy. Perhaps I will write another entry about that soon. I feel there is so much to say about my realtionship to the black community. The rejection I've felt from them in the past, the love/hate relationship, the potential I see in them..there's alot. So I'll write about that another time. But back to the devo. God wants me to be still and trust in him during this season of my life. As he's leading me to death in areas, as I'm seeking to obey him, as I'm trying to figure out who I am and where I am going. Throughout all of it I must trust and be still. So without further adieu..

Sit Still
by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

"Ye shall not go out with haste" (Isa. 52:12).

I do not believe that we have begun to understand the marvelous power there is in stillness. We are in such a hurry--we must be doing--so that we are in danger of not giving God a chance to work. You may depend upon it, God never says to us, "Stand still," or "Sit still," or "Be still," unless He is going to do something.

This is our trouble in regard to our Christian life; we want to do something to be Christians when we need to let Him work in us. Do you know how still you have to be when your likeness is being taken?

Now God has one eternal purpose concerning us, and that is that we should be like His Son; and in order that this may be so, we must be passive. We hear so much about activity, may be we need to know what it is to be quiet. --Crumbs

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor deem these days--these waiting days--as ill!
The One who loves thee best, who plans thy way,
Hath not forgotten thy great need today!
And, if He waits, 'tis sure He waits to prove
To thee, His tender child, His heart's deep love.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord's will!
While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way
Corrodingly within, because of His delay
Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest
That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
Nor move one step, not even one, until
His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!
How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet
Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!
And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!
What higher service could'st thou for Him fill?
'Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!
For lack of losing all how much is lost!
'Tis hard, 'tis true! But then--He giveth grace
To count the hardest spot the sweetest place.
--J. D. Smith

Ok, how weird are we? Honestly I decided to update today by dedicating this post to you. Before I logged onto my set I clicked on yours and to my surprise your post was dedicated to me. Weird. Ha. Anyhoo I thought that was funny. Well dear friend this 6 to 10 is not only dedicated to you, its about you. A few things I love about Erin.

6. Erin has a childlike innocence. Many times I've looked at her and it was almost like I could see the 5 year old staring out from inside of her. Even her face carries the adorable charm of youth.

7. Erin is pretty non-confrontational but she has a tough side that not many see. If you get her too upset or she gets really frustrated she will defend herself and I've always thought that bold part of her personality is hilarious.

8. Erin is a great thinker. We can debate the true meaning of love over and over again and I never get sick of discussing it because her ideas are so different than mine. She argues her point well but has always been humble enough to listen to the view's of others and admit if she is wrong.

9. Erin is an avid reader and she truly enjoys good literature. She is also a writer and a poet and if I say so myself a pretty good one at that. We took similar poetry classes in college and she let me read her work and that was a quite a treat for me. And old dream of hers was to have her own library and everytime she described that vision I always want to work right alongside her. Or perhaps not work, but visit her daily.

10. Erin is in not overly dramatic but she is dramatic in a subtle way. In a funny way that makes one think the words she says should be turned into a script for some teenage sitcom like my so called life or something. Plus she gets herself into the most random situations and circumstances. But even the mundane stuff like office work or walking her watching the elderly lady she helps somehow becomes oddly comical when she discusses it.

Erins so amazing she gets a few bonus ones thrown in..

* Erin has the wonderful old fashioned part of her personality. She a little scared of the charismatic movement and prefers staying in and watching a movie over going to hang out or meeting new people. She's just a homebody and its great cause thats what I am at heart as well.

* Erin is not afraid to leave her surroundings and go on little crazy ventures. When I wanted to the call texas or drive to D.C the weekend before the elections I knew Erin was someone who'd be willing to join me. We planned to spend a summer in Peru...God said no but we would have gone. And if he doesn't say no to China we could be there this summer. Deep down in her heart she has this sense of adventure that I love.

* Erin is beautiful in this unconventional way. Her face is almost warm and inviting and she radiates simplicity and grace.Her style is part hippie chick, newly part conservative business woman tossed in with a little sparkle at times and some prep at others. Its all warm neutrals and comfyness and fun mixed together.

* Erin loves God in a way that is so true. She's not a loud screamy person at all or someone who's enamored by the latest speaker or the next conference. She just lives our her faith and is steady and sure of the character of her father.

And heres a fun memory for me. When Ben and I were doing the seige this summer and..hmm..well let me pause and say there were so many funny memories this summer. But specifically when Ben and I needed money for the permit and we ran into you and I was so exicted beyond belief and then how we walked in the bank together and how happy I was. And how during the seige you would walk past us and even though how that made me even happier..ahh,those were the days. Even today I was thinking that theres nothing like walking through downtown New Haven on a summers day wearing a peasant skirt and flip flops, going into to those tiny stores like ten thousand villages, crossing the street with all the Yale kids and pretending to be one, getting on the bus and feeling free, looking at clothes you can't afford in Urban outfitters and seeing the pretty flowers they sell near Cutlers music store. Ahh..nothing like it :)